The One Where Jeolousy Is Eating Me Alive
09.01.05 (1:22 pm) [edit]It's been one hell of a hectic week for me. I've just started work today after a really long devastated+happy+unpredic table holiday. It was a whole bunch of happyMESS.
I was sick on the 24/8, so I got two days off from the clinic. I never felt so weak. I was supposed to be with Shima (my close friend) in Ipoh.. means that I've plan to stay in Ipoh until Independence day. But tragically, I have to cancel the plan due to my sickness. I'm so sorry dear Shima, I'll make up to you.. it's been long.. Insyaallah I'll see you soon.
My cousin, Kak Nasha got married to a wonderful guy last Friday, so my whole family had a packed agenda till the weekend. We were busy with all the preparations for the wedding. And alhamdulillah everything went smoothly and it's been long that I've not experienced the powerfulness of being united in a family.. being together and deliver.. sharing the laughs and fun memories. The wedding is such a joy.. a true break that I need.
The best family moment ever.... it's a treasure.
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Although I enjoy the wedding, but my mind was somewhere else.. it was thinking about CINTA non-stop. I love this guy so much. I truely do. Since we break the silence code, we've become so much closer.. we consoled each other on everything. We have to make everything clear between us. It's scary.. but this is the road I'm taking and I will not stop.
I have to admit that I have a problem with my jeolousy. The dreaded "J" word. It's killing me.. It's eating me alive.. I have input all the negative thoughts inside of me, and truthfully I can't breath anymore. I love CINTA too much and I became so paranoid when he talks to other girls. Shit.. That's bad.. pretty bad. I can't control my emotions.. It's slowly taking myself away.. leave me with this dreaded person with a cruel feelings inside her.. I DON'T WANT TO BE HER... I want to be my old sweet self.. Where I care about a person without prejudice and being reasonable enough to diffrenciate all the negative thoughts that clouded my mind.. I use to be so strong emotionally.. I use to be so strong.. What happened to me?
I was afraid to loose this person that I love so much... that's the root of this paranoia that I'm having.
Fortunately I have me closes friend and confidante, Nazri.. I need someone to put my senses back in me. I've nearly lost it. He knows me and he knows how to kick back some senses in my head. I'm so thankful. I had a friend to talk to. I opened up to my cousin Lyn. I need to have a girl opinion on this and she's been great too. Alhamdulillah. These people are the reason that I have shine of hopes..gain my strength and make me stand up in what I believe in when 'others' just trying to step and plunge me down. These are true friends. & nbsp;
I have top learn everything the hard way and swallow the hard truth. Yes, I'm struggling hard to be more independent and clear out my thoughts. I need to or I will loose my own battle. He needs me right now. He needs me. I'm holding on..
"I trust you sayang. I'm sorry that I snap that day. I could not handle it. I can't accept it. You understand me better. I'm so relieved. You know how uncomfortable I am being around those situations. Despite everything, you are still there with me, support me. You listen to me. Importantly you trust me. I'm sorry that I've make you worried. You clear everything up that day. You told me those things that I've longing to hear all this time. I will hold on to that. You told me, how badly you want this too. I never felt so meaningful and important. This time is REAL. It's a personal achievement if we WIN this war. We will WIN if we put our mind to it. I understand what's going on, I have to prepare myself. Those 'freaky-bad-people' can hurt hurt us with words and rumours but we know our hearts are stronger than that. Only the guilty runs, we will remember that kan? Kita ikhlas dengan perjuangan kita, kita cuba tolong "orang" kita, "orang" kita buat fitnah, jahat betul.. kawan sendiri tikam belakang kita.. sampai kita kena ketepikan periuk nasi kita sendiri. Sedih sangat... kawan sendiri... astarfirgrullahalazim.. baik kita mengucap.. Setiap benda yang berlaku mesti ada hikmahnya.. We are not that stupid, we are NOT like them. We will fight this. We are on the right side. We will find our strength. We will put our hearts and mind thru it. We will WIN sayang. Ya Allah, show us the way."
May the force be with us!
p.s: For those who read this, firstly I would say thank you. Thank you for taking your time and indulge yourself with my writings. You would have probably spend about 15 to 20 minutes to read this entry. Thank you for your time. This is personal for me. This is my blog and I will do whatever I want with it. I will write and say WHAT I WANT. This time I will NOT tolerate with nasty-freaking comments from anonymous people. Just don't waste your time. Have a nice day ahead!