teddydeath's junkie

The One Where The Elders Are Pissed

It's been so awkward this morning.  Waking up and feel so funny.  Last night, yours truly arrived back home at 2.30am (ehemm.. for 2 consequtive nights).  It was not intentionally.. honest.  Me and Cinta was in Uptown scavenging for DVDs and we were craving for Hj Samuri's delicious satay's.  And to add things worst, I'm crap at keeping my time.

We were occupied hopping from one DVD shop to another.  Shit I look at my watch.  It's almost 12.30pm and we haven't ordered our satay yet. The time seems to move so fast.  At the time we've reach S.A was already 1.30am.  Had a quick satay feast, hop in my car and I drove home.

I know by know I was in a deep shit trouble. My phone was ringing & vibrating vigorously . And I know it's coming sooner or later and I get what I deserved...  a hard smacking lecture from daddy dearest.

You've created this mess, face it like a grown adult Teddy!

He stomp into my room.  His voice was in the highest volume ever.  He was in an angry mode.  His face was full of frustation.  Guess, I got what I deserved.  I stood there, frozen in time at the edge of my bed.  It's been long that I haven't been scolded like a school girl. 

" Why are you doing this to us? We were worried about you.  You go out and came back home whenever you like?"

"It wasn't like that dad.  I'm sorry."

He continues his lecture.  About what is right and what is wrong.  And everything points out to all the wrong doings that I've comitted.

I feel so confused, I didn't feel any feelings of guilty wutsoever because to me I wasn't doing anything wrong.  I was out, get some grub and hang out. I was not wildly loose out there partying, drinking or looking for someone to fuck around.  I know where I stand.

Maybe living in a conservative typical malay family contributes to lots of things.  Such as if a girl goes home late, she will be labeled as a bitch.  Girls should NOT do this and this and this.....

I had my reasons why I was late.  I need my space.  I need someone to talk to.  I need to have intelectual conversations.  I need to be independent.  To be away from my daily routine just for a few hours. The thing is I believe in what I do.  I'm just so sorry we don't think alike anymore dad. 

"This is my LAST WARNING to you.  If you ever come home late again, I'll burn your car.  This is not a joke. Just try me. Understand!"

The last harsh word he spoke before he slams my door shut.  The loud bang makes me cry.  I was not able to think.  I'm in a condition of being a "anak derhaka" which eventually parks my name in hell.  I don't really know how to act or react right now.

Congratulations! I have hurt the hand that feeds me.  It is not something that I'm proud off. (Parental Advisory: Just don't follow my examples alright!)

How on earth I would appologise to them?  How on earth I could clear this all out?  How would I obtained their forgiveness?  My dad yes but my mom has a heart of stone.  Not that easy.  I'm just in a state of regretting that I hurt them.

I didn't get my sahur this morning and I don't feel like going down and face them early.  Just not the time.  I want to be alone.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Sorry that you have to face this at this beautiful month of Ramadhan.  I swear I never meant to hurt both of you. Please, trust me.  Sorry again from the bottom of my aching heart and tormented soul.

Daughter

_________________________ _________________________ _____________

**Some fictional characters name are change to protect the real individual identity.  Thank you!

The One Where There Is an Issue

Helloooooooo...

So sorry... Been away for so long.  I miss writing and blogging in my blog.  I really miss my junkie, the place where I let it all out without having to worry about anything.  No judgement from others.  Just me and my world.  The best place ever to be alone.

I've been driving for about 1 month right now and I'm loving every minute of it.  I still can't believe that, seriously..  the thought of me driving alone never crossed my mind at this time of the year.  Another tick for this year's resolution, the one that I've achieved and very proud so far.

Been with CINTA almost every week; without fail.  Being so close to a person, it's a wonderful feeling.  Just a simple talk, listening to music, eat and have a ride in the car, these simple things do make up a very good memories.

I've known CINTA since I was 18 and fell head over heels for him instantly. He's the epitome, the perfect one.  Seven years had passed, my love for him still burns deeply. Get to know his character and understand him.  CINTA is a good person and also a good friend to everyone and anyone. He's the kind of person who is so compassionate and forgivable.  The kind of person who can't say NO to a lot of things, and eventually get hurt by it. 

Unresponsible bitches never quit to leave him alone.  It is just so sad that he never sees it coming.  In his heart, there were his friends.  He has a soft heart that blinded his judgement.  He's so fragile.  Told him that I don't really like him to hang out with them. 

He told me something that I can't forget,

"I think I have the RIGHTS to be friends with anyone I like because I'm not attached with anyone yet.  I think that eventhough if I'm married to someone one day, I STILL have the RIGHTS to do so".

REPLIED: "Just be careful".

I know he's keeping his friendship with one of the bitches under wraps.  This bitch was being his friend for so long.  And this bitch ultimately pretends to be his friend and slowly destroys his life.  I CAN SEE THE PATTERN OF DISASTER right now; he doesn't.

"Make peace, not war"

Right now I can't do much,  I don't want to be the one that stops his freedom of making friends.  I will respect any decision that he make. 

Dear Sayang,

The 15 minutes gap last nite.  I saw that bitch with S coming down from the shop.  That "bitch" was the "friend" that you described.  That bitch hurt you sayang. That bitch is kicking you down.  That bitch is suffocating you.  And you still have the heart to forgive and give herbitch chances that shebitch could absolutely not deserved. 

How my heart crumbles into pieces yesterday.  That's why I stayed in the car.  Trying to figure out what had happened.  You said you hated that bitch. What business does that bitch have in the shop anyway? I wanted to ask but I don't want to spoil our moment together.  Naturally, I wanted you to tell me.  Guess it doesn't happened.  But you just keep your mouth shut.  It seems nothing had happened.  Does this mean that you just gonna keep quiet every time that bitch was at the shop? 

I trust you sayang.  Just be careful.  That bitch means no good.  I could not point that out, I'm tired of making a point to you because you don't even listen.  Just don't do anything that you will regret later.  I have no authority over you.  I'm just protective to the ones that I really cared.  We have studied the patterns, it's dangerous. 

I'm sad.  Sad that you don't SEE IT.  My heart was sobbing; my eyes and my mouth just pretend everything was alright.  Last nite, I almost feel like I need to leave.  But I've come this far, 7 years to be exact, being so loyal and dateless for that duration just to dedicate my life to you.  Of course you aren't aware of it.  It's not your priority.  I don't even know where I'm at right now.  Your heart sets out to the shop; your dream.  That's your goal. Keep me aside and I'll be drifting away.  This time I'm lucky that  the tide are pushing me back to the shores, next time it will pull me out even further in the ocean.  I might be saved or even drowned.  I'm so sure I'll be drowned cause I can't live apart from you.  That time I won't come back.

I never gave up on you.  I trust what you do.  There were times my heart ache and I have to mend it by myself. I do this because I love you.  If this the test that I have to endure then I will.  Someday I'll know why.. you will know too.

Careful & take care

My eyes are all watery.  Foolishly trap in my own uncertain emotions.  I hurt a few beloved ones.  I even hurt myself.  May I understand my sacrifices.  May I overcome my barriers.  May this Hari Raya brings me happiness.  May Allah bless my family who effortlessly put up with my antics.  May I be the person I want to be.  Insyaallah. Amin.