The One Where Jeolousy Is Eating Me Alive
09.01.05 (1:22 pm) [edit]It's been one hell of a hectic week for me. I've just started work today after a really long devastated+happy+unpredic table holiday. It was a whole bunch of happyMESS.
I was sick on the 24/8, so I got two days off from the clinic. I never felt so weak. I was supposed to be with Shima (my close friend) in Ipoh.. means that I've plan to stay in Ipoh until Independence day. But tragically, I have to cancel the plan due to my sickness. I'm so sorry dear Shima, I'll make up to you.. it's been long.. Insyaallah I'll see you soon.
My cousin, Kak Nasha got married to a wonderful guy last Friday, so my whole family had a packed agenda till the weekend. We were busy with all the preparations for the wedding. And alhamdulillah everything went smoothly and it's been long that I've not experienced the powerfulness of being united in a family.. being together and deliver.. sharing the laughs and fun memories. The wedding is such a joy.. a true break that I need.
The best family moment ever.... it's a treasure.
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Although I enjoy the wedding, but my mind was somewhere else.. it was thinking about CINTA non-stop. I love this guy so much. I truely do. Since we break the silence code, we've become so much closer.. we consoled each other on everything. We have to make everything clear between us. It's scary.. but this is the road I'm taking and I will not stop.
I have to admit that I have a problem with my jeolousy. The dreaded "J" word. It's killing me.. It's eating me alive.. I have input all the negative thoughts inside of me, and truthfully I can't breath anymore. I love CINTA too much and I became so paranoid when he talks to other girls. Shit.. That's bad.. pretty bad. I can't control my emotions.. It's slowly taking myself away.. leave me with this dreaded person with a cruel feelings inside her.. I DON'T WANT TO BE HER... I want to be my old sweet self.. Where I care about a person without prejudice and being reasonable enough to diffrenciate all the negative thoughts that clouded my mind.. I use to be so strong emotionally.. I use to be so strong.. What happened to me?
I was afraid to loose this person that I love so much... that's the root of this paranoia that I'm having.
Fortunately I have me closes friend and confidante, Nazri.. I need someone to put my senses back in me. I've nearly lost it. He knows me and he knows how to kick back some senses in my head. I'm so thankful. I had a friend to talk to. I opened up to my cousin Lyn. I need to have a girl opinion on this and she's been great too. Alhamdulillah. These people are the reason that I have shine of hopes..gain my strength and make me stand up in what I believe in when 'others' just trying to step and plunge me down. These are true friends. & nbsp;
I have top learn everything the hard way and swallow the hard truth. Yes, I'm struggling hard to be more independent and clear out my thoughts. I need to or I will loose my own battle. He needs me right now. He needs me. I'm holding on..
"I trust you sayang. I'm sorry that I snap that day. I could not handle it. I can't accept it. You understand me better. I'm so relieved. You know how uncomfortable I am being around those situations. Despite everything, you are still there with me, support me. You listen to me. Importantly you trust me. I'm sorry that I've make you worried. You clear everything up that day. You told me those things that I've longing to hear all this time. I will hold on to that. You told me, how badly you want this too. I never felt so meaningful and important. This time is REAL. It's a personal achievement if we WIN this war. We will WIN if we put our mind to it. I understand what's going on, I have to prepare myself. Those 'freaky-bad-people' can hurt hurt us with words and rumours but we know our hearts are stronger than that. Only the guilty runs, we will remember that kan? Kita ikhlas dengan perjuangan kita, kita cuba tolong "orang" kita, "orang" kita buat fitnah, jahat betul.. kawan sendiri tikam belakang kita.. sampai kita kena ketepikan periuk nasi kita sendiri. Sedih sangat... kawan sendiri... astarfirgrullahalazim.. baik kita mengucap.. Setiap benda yang berlaku mesti ada hikmahnya.. We are not that stupid, we are NOT like them. We will fight this. We are on the right side. We will find our strength. We will put our hearts and mind thru it. We will WIN sayang. Ya Allah, show us the way."
May the force be with us!
p.s: For those who read this, firstly I would say thank you. Thank you for taking your time and indulge yourself with my writings. You would have probably spend about 15 to 20 minutes to read this entry. Thank you for your time. This is personal for me. This is my blog and I will do whatever I want with it. I will write and say WHAT I WANT. This time I will NOT tolerate with nasty-freaking comments from anonymous people. Just don't waste your time. Have a nice day ahead!
The One Where I Want To Appologise
08.20.05 (3:08 am) [edit]First and foremost, I would like to appologise to CINTA for being so judgemental about him in my entire blog. I'm so sorry.
This blog expresses what I feel "immediately" mostly. I need to dish out everything from my system because I could not handle being so hypocrite. I write on an emotional basis, that's why it turns out straighforward and ugly. I describe you so unprofessionally and I created this figure which everyone would hate because I was misunderstood on the whole situation. I was alone and all this assumptions build in my head. Bad things mostly. I admit I was wrong. This is an open appology to you. I'm so sorry. I've never been so GUILTY. Strong words can just kill everything.
Me and CINTA has a history of having a communication breakdown. I was the one who always keeps things inside and then bottled all up in my head. I confess to that. We've talked a lot yesterday. It was a good thing. A VERY good thing indeed. I've learned so much. It was an honest all day session.
He feels exactly the way that I feel. He worries about me most of the time. Worried that I would change my heart and worried that I would leave him. I never thought he would think that way.. I thought I was the one with the insecurities. He cares :)
If we didn't talk, I wouldn't know that wouldn't I?
A very good friend once told me that communication is the key to all relationship and it's all true. I always crack up my head with all kinds of imaginations and assumptions that he will leave me. It's dangerous, when you think alone the devils are always seducing you to think both propotion of the story, my negative side always takes charge and nearly win. My positive side struggles to think all the happy thoughts and thankfully I still believe that patience and virtue are very very important. And LOYALTY is an added bonus. (I found out he is loyal to me too.. that makes me extra happy)
We've open up everything and never again would keep our mouth shut from each other.
My head was so free and I do feel that half of the burden inside cramming my head was totally gone. It was magical. The power of sharing the information verbally. The expression and the tone compliments the words uttered from inside. It was beautiful.
I never felt so love like yesterday. First time in my life, I felt I was important to him. First time, I've heard about our future together. I did cried yesterday.. this time it's HAPPY tears.
Allah has given me everything and I kick myself hard if I'm not thankful for what I've got. There's a lot of challenge that I have to face. Alhamdulillah, my faith and believes are still strong. Face everything like starting a new day.
My life, my love: priceless
p.s: I love you more and more each day...
The One Where I'm Defining Myself
08.14.05 (9:49 pm) [edit]PUPUS - by Dewa
Aku tak mengerti, apa yang kurasa
rindu yang tak pernah begitu hebatnya
aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tau
meski kau takkan pernah tau
aku persembahkan hidupku untukmu
telah ku relakan, hatiku padamu
namun kau masih bisu, diam seribu bahasa
dan hati kecilku bicara
Reff :
baru kusadari cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan
kau buat remuk sluruh hatiku
semoga waktu akan mengilhami sisi hatimu yang beku
semoga akan datang keajaiban hingga akhirnya kaupun mau
aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tau
meski kau takkan pernah tau
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Been listening to this song and I might say it does effects me in every way. Hell! I know what I'm doing so just let me handle my life okies.
Enough of the sad part let's get into the good ones.
My youngest brother turnd 11 last Friday and we celebrated his birthday in Chili's. It was nice, the whole family was there.. I miss these kinds of moments really.. I'm glad we do celebrate birthdays. My brother was extremely happy, well the folks in Chili's sang him the birthday song. It was cool.
I wish him well, "Happy Birthday Izhar".
One of my guy "friend" got married today. He's married to the most sweetest-richest girl in town.. they've met like 2 weeks and fell in love.. hmmm.. it was unlikely like him to get married that fast.. he has no stable job and he's workshop has closed due to unforseen circumstances... he's a sweet talker and believe me he has the charm of a gentlement.. luckily my friends and I knew who he was and be extra careful when he's around. I will always remember him as the guy who mocked me and Alang about getting old and end up as a spinster. He has hurt our feelings and that is unforgiven. hmmmm, I wish his wife goodluck!... nuthing else... life goes on...
I get a chance to replace two of my fasting days this weekend, have 5 more days to go.. ahaks.. have to stay home and sleep.. hihihihi
My pretty cousin, Kak Nasha's wedding is coming up in the next two weeks and I'll be the one who will give out the "bunga telur" to all the guest.. hihiih... it's a kid's job but someone got to do it.. eventually it's gonna be me.
hmm.. see how that goes..
alrighty.. take care people...
The One Where I Earn This Space to Write
08.07.05 (11:50 pm) [edit]It's been a while.. I'm so busy with work and soon will be drowned in many more work. It's ok, I love working here and all the task is a challenge. That's what I've learned in the 3 days two night seminar in PD. It was great, at least I was away from KL for a while. There's a lot in my mind, a lot of things to think about..
I'm totally lost! That's what my outcome was. I've lost my sense of direction in life and I'm not so proud of it. The one thing that kept me going, keep my feet on the ground was my job. My total stability.
I've learned that my sense of ignorance will overcome me soon. I hate this to happen but I can't help it. At this stage, I will not care about anybody or anything anymore. That hurts..
Maybe being nice was NOT being appreciated anymore ehhh?
Being nice makes me in a mess.. Being nice makes people takes advantage of me.. Being nice just not gonna be my forte anymore.
To my family & friends, you know who you are.. you'll always have a space in my heart. The other half of my heart starts to blackened. It scares the shit out of me. My emotions are out of control. My head hurts.
It's just not fair...
Why do I have to face all this?
Scared, lost.. this girl was still beaming
Beaming, smiling to face the world and outside reality
Faith is fading, trust just another word
Believe too much
Being loyal disregard on what had happened
Love rip and torn
Being trade into the dark lairs
Distort my mind
Try to survive, trying to be the best
She has herself, to find that flicker of shine
Save her "Ya Allah"
Show her the way, show her what's hiding, what is stopping
Soul solemly dispossable
She lives.
So long and goodnight, I love you.