teddydeath's junkie

The One Where I Was Accused

Yesterday was a bad day for me...  It was heartbreaking, heartwrenching.. you just name it.. felt it yesterday..

My mom called me, conferrencing with my aunt.  My aunt asked me where I put her rechargeble digital camera batteries.. she claims that I was the last person who'd borrowed her stuffs.  My mom confirms it.. I was the last person who borrowed it....  Now I was confused... because I have a strong feeling that I'm NOT the last to do so...

As far that I could remember, I've borrowed her camera about 1 month back . My brother borrowed my camera 'cause he went on a vacation to Penang and I have to borrow my aunt's for an event in my previous office.  And I did gave her the camera back (in a complete condition!)... 

My aunt seems so mad..  I could feel it in her tones...  she said that she check everywhere for the batteries.  As far as I'm concern, I'm the kind of person that hates to borrow other people's stuff because I will feel uneasy and sometimes uncomfortable to do that.  Yes, I will borrow ONLY if I had too.  If I did borrow someone's stuff, I will guard it with extra care and attention because I would NOT want to loose their trust.  I don't like to borrow money...  I just don't like to practise that... 

People trust you with their stuffs... they believe that you will take good care of it like they will. 

Later, that day I called my mom saying that I believe that I'm NOT the last person to do so.  She confirms that she remembers that I was the last person.  My other aunt also says the same thing... now I'm confused.  Three people confirms that I was the last person... well I thought maybe I was the last person... maybe.. just maybe I forgot.. (my head just don't believe it)

The whole day I felt awful...  imagine if I was careless then and misplace the batteries?....  I keep telling myself that I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON.  I may be forgetful sometimes but to forget about something that I borrowed.. NEVER!!!!!!!

I went back home with a gloomy day (oh yeah! to make the matter worse I had a terrible sore throat also...)  I open my aunt's tv cabinet where she stores the digital camera.  I checked the battery charger first.. well the batteries are not there... then I pick up the camera.  Take it out from the casing, push the battery compartment button... and well how do you know.. the batteries are in the camera.... should I repeat that againnnnnnnnnn... THE FREAKING BATTERIES ARE IN THE FREAKING DIGITAL CAMERA.......

what the f**k?

I have to go through the whole freaking day feeling gloomy because of my aunt's mistake????....  I check the last entry on the camera memory...  It was my dad's birthday celebration....  it's on the 29th May.  My event was on the 14th May... how contrary....

Shesh.. told my mom about it...  she was disbelief...  now it's my turn to be mad....  how can three people accused me of the same offend???... I was right all along..  I believe that I didn't do it...  I BELIEVE MYSELF...

some of you out there might say.. it is a small matter....  I make a such a BIG fuss with it...

hey...  people trust me..  It's important that I hold their trust..  I'm very concern in dealing with things that I borrowed...  my name was witheld...  people accused me off the things that I don't do...  and this time it's my own family... I'm sad.. just sad that no one believes me...

I didn't hear the word "sorry".. from neither of them.....  egos does run in the family.

p.s: my dad would believe me... 

The One Where I Had Too Much Caffein

I've been taking so much caffein this week...I had strong 
black coffee (kopi kampung) every evening.. As you all know, 
I can't take caffein.. The effects will leave me dazzed and 
dizzy for the whole night. Sheshhh…  But now I seem to enjoy 
it..  Enjoy to be in an intoxicated mood.. Truthfully I like 
being free where I don’t really care much about a lot of 
things. Feel so happy.. I can’t afford to feel sad.. 

A good friend called me 2 days ago and he’s being so nice..  
This friend shows up when I had problems with my own 
relationship.  It is so odd.  It happened every damn time.  
He is like a shoulder to rely on and he needs me to talk about 
his relationship.  Ironic we are there for each other and we 
do think alike..  It scares me.. BIG TIME…  I don’t know why?  
I don’t know what to do…

I’m too dizzy to type…  My head hurts..  

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

The One I'm Getting So Frustrated

Hi...

It's a wonderful Monday morning BUT somewhat I'm feeling so down...  I feel so damn lonely.  My other half is so busy with his life/projects/business and the saddest part was he neglects me... sighhh!..  :(

I hate myself having to deal with this kind of situation.  I just hate it.  Imagine this...  We've been planning to watch Star Wars together since last raya.. (how freaking long that is????....) But he's so busy.. and we didn't get to see it yet.  Oh yeah.. being me as always..  I'll wait.... until the cinema stops showing Star Wars.  I'm so worried that nowadays my patience is currently running really low.  I'm so emotionally distressed.

I haven't seen him for the last month and a half. He didn't even bother to even call.  Didn't bother much to ask me how I feel.. Didn't bother to even sms...  just one short email that I get this morning asking me a favor.. nuthing else..  not even asking me how I was doing..  that's a heart-breaking moment...  I just held back my tears in the office...

He went back to his friend's hometown last 2 weeks... and he didn't even bother to see me??.. I'm in KL for godsake.  He didn't even visit my brother when my brother had an accident.  I miss the old him where he would travel from SA to my house every damn night.  Take me out for dinner in our usual place.  Being with him at that moment seems worthwhile.  But now I can't see that anymore...

I'm human.. I need a little compassion and I needed attention which he neglects.  Come on... I didn't asked much.  Just 1 sms (which cost merely RM0.10) would make my day.. Is that too much to ask? Just a ring on the phone to say hello, hi or I miss u.  Or even wished me on my b'day :( 

I do feel that I'm NOT important in his life anymore.  He's priority now are his studio, music and his band... and he left me out in a corner.  Shivering, cold, scared and very much lonely. 

Deep inside I want to let this all go.. but hell I love him too much...

I felt so hurt.  My heart hurts.. and I don't really know for how long that I could deal with it.  I've been so strong in mending my broken heart over these few years.  Maybe I'm immune already.  Maybe I just don't freaking care whether he 's breaking my heart or not this time.

I don't want to jump in any conclusions by bad judgementing him.  Just one thing,  If I go this time... I won't turn back.  This time it's for real.  I'm already 25 (Most girls my age have already married with 2 kids)..  I don't want to have a bleak future ahead of me..  I've waited for him too long... nearly 7 years to be exact.  He always said that he wants to further his studies in Berkley and he's family might migrate to Ozzie for good.  Did he mentioned to take me along??... NO :(

I can't expect him to change..  Then it's time for me to change...  It is so heart-breaking to be treated like this. Been listening to Scars by Papa Roach.  This song really do describe what I've been thru now...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

To YOU,

I feel that I've done everything trying to make you feel happy with me.. and I have failed miserably.  The neglection must be the sign.  If you don't want to be with me then say it to my face.  Don't hide it. If you want me to go, I'll go.  I've dedicated my life to you but you didn't seem to see it.  You left me...  You ignored me.. I've been thinking that maybe I should give this chance and dedication to someone else.  Someone who needed and appreciate me.  I've been loyal to you for all these years.  I took care of you.  I've been there for you when you ultimately down. Do I have to shake ur head to make you realise that??  Don't be an asshole again.. don't.  Please do sumthing before I changed my mind.  The clocks ticking.  Please... 

The One Where It's On The One Month Mark

"HAPPY ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY SCHWEEEEEEET TEDDY"

It's officially been 1 month that I've been working in my NEW office.. damn how time does fly...

Been blessed with kind colleague in my dept.  Friendly, helpful & understanding.  They've been so supportive.  I respect them.  There's been a lot of controversies here and it does involved me in an unthinkable way.. ahaks..  what can I say??  it does left me feeling funny... people are scared of me cause I've been acquanted with some certain individuals :).. hihiihihihihih 

office politics happens everywhere... nothing to complaint about... can't really avoid it..  it's apart of our humble lifestyle..

just listen, shut up.. and do my work as plan... no need to be a smart-ass cause it will only lead to trouble.  I'll play my game as safely as I can ;).

oh yeah... I have a new baby yesterday...  I'm so damn excited about it...  maybe I'll tell you on the next blog...

till then... tarraaa

p.s: It's Friday and I'm STILL in love....