teddydeath's junkie

The One Where He Get His Pressie

Seen CINTA last night at our usual place.. it's our official hang out place right now since the shady car park was defunct..

We talked about our family,  he was worried about my brother though..  this middle brother of mine has cause a stirr in my family by going to JB with his friends.. my mom and dad was really worried about him.. yeah with all the tsunami cases and all... we was really afraid of his safety.. hmm.. I do hope he would be alright and have a safe journey back home...

18 years old boy wants to experience everything as told by CINTA.. CINTA says he'll have a chat with my bro up later.. the one thing I could not believe that he says that "Your brother is like my brother now and I'm too, worried for his safety".. that was thoughtful..

So back to my outing with him... It was ok.. it was nice.. it was kinda perfect in the most simplest way..

We arrived in the hang out place.. we talked and I handed him his pressies.. nuthing fancy.. just the box..  He was excited.. he said "Can I open it now?".. "Oh yeah sure.." I replied.

He opens the box cautiously.. first the ribbon.. then the lid..  he found the card.. I asked him to read it at home which he agrees.. then yeah the next step was opening the pressies underneath the paper that cover the box..

I asked him to rip it.. well he want to open it slowly.. he says he don't want to ruin anything.. alrighty then... ;)

He opens it.. love the SWATCH.. gave me one hot smootch action..(whoopsie!) hiihihihhi... woohooo.. I gave him a peck on a cheek.. It was nice... eventhough it was a brief one I'm just so happy for him...  he's 26 and thriving..  It was cool.. 

hmmm... it was a good moment for me and him..  and our new hang out place

The One Where Senyuman Ragamu Be The Antidote

Senyuman Ragamu by Gerhana Skacinta feat.Radhio OAG



Kemana saja kau belari bersembunyi,
Kutahu cintamu padaku teguh,
Tak ku peduli cara dan tingkah lakumu,
Kerna ku tak akan pergi jauh dari sisimu,
Dengarlah kasih...
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..

Kanku bina sebuah singgahsana,
Untukmu berlindung dari hujan basah,
Pabila malam kutermimpikan wajahmu,
Takkan jiwa ragaku berakhir nikmatnya,
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..

Kanku bina sebuah singgahsana,
Untukmu berlindung dari hujan basah,
Pabila malam kutermimpikan wajahmu,
Takkan jiwa ragaku berakhir nikmatnya,
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..
Kanku serahkan segala padamu..

The One Where He Turn 26

Yesterday was quite heartbroken.. yes you hear it right... it was purely frustrating & left me heartbroken..

Flashback to yesterday:

It's the eve of his birthday,  I was really happy.. happy because it's the very 1st time in 7 years that I got to celebrate it with him...  I was eager and really excited.

I had an early planning.. bought his pressies on Sunday.  A SWATCH, I've always wanted to give him one.. so yeah with a li'l savings I managed to grab a decent one.  I wrapped it up in a green silvery paper (the mood of chrismast was still on), then delicately put some thoughts and soul to it.. put it in a chequered red and white box with a big red bow... talk about wrapping the present itself.. for me the presentation of the gift is very important... it will leave a mark to someone's heart..  the smile and the expression on their faces will show...  that is totally priceless...

so yeah.. I was preparing everything..  I want everything to go on smoothly.  I took the initiative to take the commuter to his place..  waited for him for almost 1 hour there.. well I've waited 7 years.. another hour to go won't hurt me...  BUT my back hurts like hell.. the train was packed and I have to stand for almost half and hour...almost fall down at one time.. oh yeah I haven't eaten lunch at all that day.. that's why my stomach was a bit uneasy...  but I keep my spirit high...  I'm holding on... the seats at the station was plastic hard and yeah when you tend to seat for quite sometimes your body will have this tinggling feelings of being tense..

Then, there he is.. in his car.. picking me up from the commuter... on seeing him my aches just go away...  just like that.. it's funny though.. by body was toying with my mind...

We have no direction.. where to go to.. we haven't plan on anything.. yeah we were totally clueless..  listening to the sounds of MUSE for the whole journey...  the songs was depressing and it's all about the sadness. 

We decided on going to our new hang out place.. we plan to have our dinner...  I plan on hanging with him until it was midnight..  the time when I'm planning to give him his pressies.. we were in the car talking mostly..  I was excited..  excited to wait for the clock to strike midnight.. you know it feels like forever to wait for the time to pass you by... 

Then, one sms came in...  he was in need

He looked at me.. "I have to go.  I'm sorry.  I'll make up tomorrow.  Please don't be mad at me. My B'day is tomorrow right?"

I said.." Ok"..

I try to keep my cool although I know my heart, my soul was crush to pieces.. it's like someone just knock me out in a boxing match.. my face was showing signs of frustration.. but I try not to show it..  my eyes was all round and tears was forming.. I hold my head back.. I don't want to show it... I was left devastated...  I feel devastated..  my body & my mind can't take the fact that the night was over.  It was hurtful.. my plan when awry..

On the way home, he talk and I just tend to listen.. no words actually came out my mouth..  I can't talk.. if I do I might cry.. so I just keep on the silence..  he send me home.. I can't look him straight in the eye..  it was not the moment to do so... I need my bed, I need my pillow & I need my room to drown my sorrow. 

Then it struck me,

He was in need.. he's friend need him..  it was an emergency.. ironically this stuffs will happened when we plan on sumthing.. it was like a test in our relationship.... he has to go.. he will always be like that.. he has this heart of gold of helping the ones in need and I have to accept it..  I have to imagine that he's Clark Kent, a man with double identity, a man that is so afraid to fall in love because of he knew that he might break someone elses heart, have to leave when in need.. that is him.. I know he love me.. I know that... he was scared if I don't understand...

as his love one I have to bare with it..  I will trust and learn..  it's the only way to keep this going on... he will not change.. he will be forever like that..  if I want to be with him this is the first step to do so...  learn to understand the way of his life...  I'm making the biggest sacrifice ever..  I'll be more considerate.. I'll be more supportive

If this happened to me a few years back, I would be so raving mad.. I would be too judgemental and it's unhealthy.

I wish his birthday on the phone last night.. exactly on the stroke of midnight.. the way that I always did in the past 7 years.. if that's the way it should be then just let it be.....

I'm not complaining anymore... I won't 

The One Where It's BORING Monday

Hey guys.. it's Monday.. The last week of 2004... gosh how time really flies..  today was quite interesting... being called in by the so-called boss and yeah being told that Alang and I was being rude to the newbies around... sheshhh.. that's BIG news ehhh??...

Ohh well.. people tend to judge others... so what do the hell that we care anyway...  as long you don't cross that road then we don't have any problem... ohh well sounds I'm turning into a mafia thingy ehhhh....

till then

take care

bubbye

The One Where We Found A New Hang Out

Morning people.... rise and shine babey...

Been with CINTA last night... it was an unplanned event.. it was really sweet...  hang out with him at a new place, as our old defunct shady carpark was turned into a car garage :(...

How I really miss that place... a cool place to hang out..  no one else to bother us.. no one cares anyway... people just walk by happily.. minding their own business.. it was fun.. we did our college assignment there, we had our dinner & supper there - McD and Pizza Hut was our favourite take-out everytime, we listen to the cd's till we were dead bored and fell asleep... hmmm...I had my first kiss there.. ohh shucks.. :* (sheshh.. hope my mom won't read this ehhh....).. shady carpark was so memorable...

I love being with him.. I just love being around him.. I'm just happy..  It's been a while that I hadn't feel like this.. it's been a long time...geeeeez.. I miss him more and more each day....

How could this one person can give such an impact to my life??

Well I don't know.. BUT I really know for sure that I can't live without him... He makes me happy... There's no doubt about it

This time around, I would want this relationship to work.  I'm praying to God for that, each and everyday..  luv yaa

The One Where He Sang To Me

ahhhhh... hiyee people... hmmmm... I'm so dreamy.. hihiihhi... well he sings this cute little song to me... what can I say MORE...

When I'm Sixty-Four  (The Beatles)

When I get older losing my hair many years from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine,
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
If I'd been out til quarter to three would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four?

Oh, you'll be older too - Ah
And if you say the word, I could stay with you

I could be handy mending a fuse when your lights have gone
You can knit a sweater by the fireside,
Sunday mornings, go for a ride
Doing the garden, digging the weeds, who could ask for more?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four?

Every summer we could rent a cottage in the Isle of White,
If it's not too dear
We shall skrimp and save, grandchildren at your knees,
Vera, Chuck, and Dave

Send me a postcard, drop me a line stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say,
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me an answer, fill in a form, mine forevermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four?

The One Where It's BORING Tuesday

My ego's are raging... my mind feels so weird... body feels so tense...  my eyes hurt... I'm so bored in the office... maybe I do NOT have enough sleep last nite... duhhh!

I'm NOT really happy with myself today.. feel so weird and fuzzy.. I hate it..  I'm so stressful...  need a vacation.. this coming x'mas would be a perfect getaway to catch my relaxation time...

It's almost 5.40p.m... I feel the time today was slower than any other day..

I wanna go home and catch on with my sleep...

The One Where I'm Finding My SHINE

If REALLY want to WORK THIS OUT

I have to have lots of patience.. I know it is NOT easy.. relationship is NOT a platform where one could build in a day.. it takes up TRUST, EFFORT, TIME, COURAGE, PASSION and of course the main ingredient is LOVE.  I can say that MONETARY would come really handy cause yeah do admit it people... you do need MONEY to survive.. we need to EAT, PHONE CREDITS and PETROL for the car and suchs.. 

I need to UNDERSTAND..  I need to get used to his ENVIRONMENT.. I don't have to THROW AN UNHAPPY face when his voice mail was on rather than him picking up.. He can hang out with his friend even though it's a gurl as I can hang out with my guy friends WITHOUT TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING... JEALOUSY is important.. TOO MUCH of it would eventually KILL yaa... this one should be tone down...

I need to know WHAT HE WANTS IN HIS LIFE and I need to LISTEN... and vice versa...

I should LEARN to accept the MISTAKES of others and ADMIT the MISTAKES that I have made myself.. the ONLY way we could learn.. I have to let go of my EGO...  I will DISCUSS it over (not keepi ng my mouth SHUT) if I feel uneasy about the way things are going... 

we will take things slowly this time.. don't RUSH things out.. we already gone thru almost 7 years together..  it's been that long... we should TRY to SAVE this...

GOD has given me a chance in my life... I'm SO THANKFUL..  I'm happy... WE will work this out...

2004 was a bitter year for me and for CINTA too... he did told me that.. so we do hope 2005 will bring us the SHINE that we need...

The One Where I'm With HIM: Part II

I hold his arms as he tucked it in his pocket... we were listening to the loud music of LOVE ME BUTCH... everybody seems to enjoy the show as people starts get up from the grass and moved up forward to the stage...  hmmm we decided NOT to join in the crowd and would really like to enjoy the show from the stadium styled seating... 

I follow his lead and move away from the crowd... my hand slips firmly in his hand....amazingly that was our first holding hand moment together... I was this 24 yrs old girl feeling like a teenager again... I was smiling all the way..  I followed him to the stadium seating and the view there was kinda clearer and we could see the next band EVENSTARR perform...  a kuching born chinese band who sings in Malay... their effort was good and they could go far... I was bored with their performance for a while though... but CINTA was by my side all the time and that's all matters. (still in the holding hand position...awwwww... I was really enjoying it)

I could NOT remember the sequence of the band performing but hell I'll do my best here....

ONE BUCK SHORT took the stage with ease... saw that they have many followers ranging from school kids till adult.. MOOKY knows how to handle the crowd and he's powerful and cheeky performance will be remembered... I love the "show ur handphone in the air moment" (basically to substitute the lighter wave thingy).  It was beautiful.. sea of handphones in the air..  love it...

then there was this chubby guy being the mc.. he was quite amusing but the kissing mic act was really yucky though... 7 COLLAR T-SHIRT was next and they performs all this weird songs from their new album DRONES.. it was weird for me.. but if you are a hardcore RADIOHEAD fan you might enjoy their performance...

DRAGON RED gave a storming performance by delivering the KORN hit, BLIND and they now in control of the crowd..  the vocalist was this weird dude with big round eerie eyes.. he tried to sound like the DISTURBED vocalist.. juggling two different voice is quite hard though... good effort.. then the band members starts to shed their clothes.. it was kinda hot... then RINA from 8TV join in.. she was energetic and seem she was having lots of fun head bangin' to the groove... hihiihihih.. it was fun...

My fav moment was when NICE STUPID PLAYGROUND played on their old hit wonder BEDROOM WINDOW.. everybody was singing along and it became one of the highlights of the show.. it was really.. really cool.... me and CINTA was sitting in our chair nicely and hand still firmly together (by this time our hands are sweat and slippery..ihhihihiihihhiih)

hmmm... let me see.. next was THE HIDDEN.. a new band I guess.. never heard of it... it was shouting and screaming scene I guess.. can't understand a word that he said though.. the crowd enjoyed it..  the vocalist was really cute... the best moment was went he gave his tribute to the deceased PANTERA guitarist DIMEBAG DARRELL ABBOTT.. somebody shot him when he was performing on stage 2 weeks ago. [R.I.P]

then the moment everyone was waiting.. CROMOK was on stage... the crowd was chanting the bands name..."CROMOK...CROMOK..."it started with the eerie soft sound of the traditional Terengganu song.. The ULIK MAYANG... sheshhh.. the night was cold.. everybody light up their lighters and the scenery was breathtaking..  it was really damn nice.. well I'm NOT a big fan of them.. but hey their performance was massive with large followers...  the singer had this funny voice when he talks but hell when he sings, the other hard voice emerged.. ihihihhi.. that was really odd for me.. the crowd love each and everyone of them.. they just can't get enough... wohoooo... it was a shouting & screaming fest... hell everyone was having a blast...

DISAGREE was on next and people starts to leave... ouchhh... the loyal fans of CROMOK I guess... ZAHID had the "chicken" hair-do.. CRUMBS was on it was cool...  SUICIDE NOTE was next and then followed by SCARECROW ADAMS..  it was my highlight I guess.. I love DISAGREE so much... it was nice to see them perform live.. CINTA totally hates them.. they have issues..ihiihhihi...

the finale was when JASON LO came on stage and gave the last performance kick-off with NEIL YOUNG'S, KEEP ON ROCKING IN THE FREE WORLD... it was one of CINTA's fav song sang by DISAGREE.. ouchhh.. hihihihi.... well it's a good end song though...

So there you have it... a round up of ROCK THE WORLD V: Malaysian Invasion Series... It's been of of the best gigs ever to closed the year end of 2004...I had fun... CINTA had fun... his brothers and their friend had fun too... We went out the stadium with good memories to be kept.. and with the angry sounds of the guards chasing people out of the dirty stadium grounds........

The One Where I'm With HIM: Part I

hello people... I'm back and it's been a lovely Monday.... things had change rapidly in my life.. RAPIDLY as we speak...  strangely I'm so fucking in love... yeah people u read it right... I'm SO FUCKING IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN...

I lost sumthing... and I gain sumthing.. now I realise it.. I lost that job opportunity and I got CINTA back in my arms... I'm happy that I could get over my sadness for a while... GOD is great.. I'm so thankful... thankful that I have this chance to be happy again...

Yes.. he's back and we went to ROCK THE WORLD V: The Malaysian Invasion.  It was an unplanned event... CINTA was quite different.. he looks healthier and he's really cute with his new hair-dos..  he got long sexy hair... :*.. hmmm I was so so tempted... ahaks... hihiihihhihihi...

met his brothers for the 1st time in 7 years of our friendship... that was wow...  and they were really nice...  ahhhh those moments was perfect..  went to Stadium Merdeka in his Satria.. gosh how I miss being in his car...  I thought I was still dreaming and shoot I wasn't... this was real... 

we parked the car, walk to the stadium using the Buddhist tokong stairs.. it was so steep.. feel like a chinese shoulin trainee.. ihhiih... bought the tickets...  went in the stadium...  sent his brothers and 2 of their friends to the center of the field facing the stage..  it was NOT that crowded though but hell 20,000 people turned out...  it was almost 7 sumthing so we did miss a few performance from the likes of OAG, SINGLETRACKMIND, TEMPERED MENTAL, COUPLE, TRAGIC COMEDY, ROOTS & BOOTS and THE REPUBLIC OF BRICKFIELDS as the show starts as early as 3pm...

LOVE ME BUTCH was on the line up now.. they gave a really energetic performance and the crowd was getting wilder...  most of them looked pretty much drunk...  bouncing and prancing around without care if they hurt other people on their way... now I was scared...  scared of being the victim of violent attack.  I put my hand in his arms... and I felt safe..  It's been so long I haven't had that kind of feelings...  :)

TO BE CONTINUED...   

The One Where I'm Really Alone

The Teaching Course started today of course without me being one of the attendees.. wut did I do the whole day??.. well I got class in the morning and yeah I have the whole afternoon for myself...

I get to chat up with Yus and told her about my problems and thanks to her I do feel a bit relax.. chatting is one way to release my tension when I can't talk about some issues... well thanks Yus.. she's a good friend..

Last nite, I met up with an old friend, Rina.. which was good.. at least I could take my mind off my problems for a while... bought a few quality dvd's which was kinda cool..

I bought myself Vampire Hunter D.. CINTA's fav cartoon.. I'm NOT very sure why I did that though.. sheshhh.. but these things that reminds me off him really makes me happy.. the feeling was undescribable...  I need that dose of happiness...

I need to be happy....

The One Where I'm So So Double Fucked Up

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... what has happened to me?????????? 

I found out today that some smart-ass individual think that I was a liar and I'm making up stories about my interview sessions.  Sheesh people... verbal act dont work...  There was simply NO proved at all... I'm totally confused... Why the hell would I lie about what he said?.. Why would I make up stories to my mom?.... Why on earth would I do that anyway?..

Arghhh.. my name would probably be blacklist there then.. my mom asked me to call that particular person just to clear things out.. but I don't have the heart to do that.. I'm not scared.. cause I know I'm on the right side..  God is my witness.. 

that person really says those stuff...

that person really gave me hope...

that person really make me TRUST in him..

and today

that person just blew it all off

Fucked Off!

My mom was so heart-broken and so does my dad.. they really wanted me to get THIS particular job with this RESPECTABLE company.. I thought this would be a kickstart for my career..

well guess it just won't happened...

I'm NOT a street beggar.. pulling and begging for sympathy.. I'm just NOT..  maybe the condition that I am in right now just make me a little desperate to look for another job... He knows I'm so fragile.. He knows that I'll always be available for the job.. so there you have it.. just take my sincerity for granted.....

I'll hang on here if I have to... as I said earlier.. I'm making my own decision and I won't regret it...

I'm so damn sorry for the RESPECTABLE company to have THAT kind of people working there.. he may have the BRAINS but hell his ATTITUDE would probably be ZERO. Worst comes to worst.. he was supposedly be my boss and hell... I could not work with these kind of manipulative people.. not worth my effort and time at all...

Sometimes HOPE is a wonderful thing... but GIVING OTHERS HOPE and then just PISSED PEOPLE OFF in returned.. well I just have to say thanks for making other people's life a living hell... 

The One Where I Feel So So Fucked Up

hell.. I feel so fucked up this week.. there are so many elements that contributes to my unexplainable disturbing behaviour.... sheshh.. how I wish this turbulation of life would STOP for just a while.. my brain need a rest...

Life was full of shit for me this week..

Sunday

Accompany my bro to a shoot with my most fav band in Malaysia.. well it's a one whole day event and guess what.. my bro's shot didn't get in.. how frustrated we are... damn seems like we were being PUNKED!.. the different was Ashton was not around... sheshhhh... damn! damn! damn!.. the band members was really nice to us.. I will remember that... sheshh the Director was the one to blamed man.. he was the one WHO cancelled the shots...  arghhhh... I can see the anger in my bro's face but he doesn't show it though... damn it was supposed to be one of the nicest thing that happened to me and my bro this year..but hey we will remember the day with ALL THE WRONG REASONS... that I think my friend will make the whole thingy TOP CLASSIC.

Monday

There's the company meeting and I'm the damn ONLY one who doesn't really sign in for the course to obtain the license to teach (which is so compulsory).. so my job right now is really on the line cause yeah obviously I rely on the teaching side for my monthly income..... so beginning Jan 2005 I won't be able to teach anymore.. and I do think that is so sucks... the main reason that I didn't sign in cause it's basically a contract basis which whoever sign the deal will attached to the company for 1 and a half year... honestly I can't be here that long... I need to get out... that has been my 2004 year resolution...  I do feel a bit LEFT OUT though.. being the ONLY one who didn't obliged.. sheshh.. it hurts though... I haven't seal my future yet... I need to secure it no matter what it takes...  I have to hold on...

Tuesday

My mom was the one who was really excited when I received the interview call late November.  Yeah.. yeah I went through the process and the outcome was good.  I seriously know I got the job but the company's process of the offer letter was really late.. yeah sucks aighttt.... today's news was even worse.. my mom called in and there was NO offer letter made yet... my mom told me she was really frustrated with the offer process.. gosh.. this usually happens when there's no "liaise" relationship within the company.. sheshhh.. how bad it is I feel right now...  I let go of the contract offer because of this.. so people I do have to keep my faith.. THIS IS THE CRUCIAL TIME WHERE I NEED A LOT OF SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY... THIS IS MY OWN DECISION.. I'M SO GONNA TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF IT.... I don't want to regret on anything.. I have NO TIME FOR REGRETS anymore...

The One Where I Have To Make The Move

there are a lot of confusion in the office and I'm so tired of it... i'm really hoping for that new job... I don't want to be trapped here anymore.. it ain't that good... there are a lot of office politics and I don't really know what or who to believe anymore... damn..

life is sure hard when trust was ON THE LINE.... a really tiny one

hmm... so much dilemma so little time... I'm still confused... I still think about CINTA every damn minute everyday... honestly I did try to erased him out of my life... I can't do it.. I just can't.. everytime I closed my eyes (worst still when I blink for a millisecond).. I swear it always him on my mind...

WHY ON EARTH I'M DOING THIS TO MYSELF I ASK......

CINTA was my first love... I had my puppy love with someone else before him... but with CINTA I felt different.. feel love and feel much secure.. MOST importantly I feel I was belong to... that's important to me... he was my very own "Rock Star"

but when things go awry.. I was left hanging on my dear life.. I never feel secure anymore... secure in sense that someone is watching over me.. I always feel that I'm alone and that sucks really bad.. sometimes I would tend to cry in the bathroom.. but things don't get better with drench of tears on my tears...

I can't talk about to my mom about CINTA 'cause it would be so awkward... I never had anyone to frankly let my heart open to tell them what's really going on with me and CINTA.. maybe that's the problem.. I never expressed what I felt to anyone.. it's all bottled up inside me.. (just waiting slowly to burst)... 

I do feel what I had was sacred.. I have to guard all the memories with my life...  NO one damn knows how I really feel.. I may look happy outside.. BUT inside I was crush..  everyday would be the same routine.. pretending everything would be alright...

My dear friend told me sumthing valuable today "If you can't accept the things that HAD happened to you, THEN you just won't move on... You'll be trapped in that zone forever"

gosh... how I prayed so hard that I could move on....  I'm so tired of living in denial.. it is just too hard... I can't take it anymore.... 

some memories do have to go

some things I have to let go

some thing must change

I have to

The One Where I'm So Scruffy

hmmmmmmm...... I'm so so scruffy today...  my new friend Moss Bear want to meet out... sheshhhh... I'm so so not sure.. but he seems nice.. hey why the hell NOT right??... just gonna be careful & cautious... take care people

The One Where I'm Gonna Change My Future

sheshhhh... gosh how time really flies... 

things are looking better....

I'm ON the RIGHT track...

I know I am...

I'm on the verge of changing my life.....

I'm happy with my upcoming decision....

p.s:  Basically to CINTA, I won't change.. I will still wait... my heart is NOT opened to anyone...  and it will always stay that way...  I'm a loyal shit.. thats basically what I am..