The One Where I Slept at 5.30am
01.11.07 (3:01 pm) [edit]I had a serious discussion with Cinta last nite and it ended in the wee hours of the morning. 5.30a.m to be exact.
My cinta had been thru a rough time in his life right now. All he ever wanted is to be heard. To be appreciated for his capabilities on staging a one man show all this while. He complete what is not completed. He puts himself behind to give way to others. Being a perfectionist, he try to satisfies everyone until he can't cope with the pressure. He falls, FALLS HARD.
He was perceived wrongly by the public. People see him as a rich brat but in reality he's just a normal person, just like you and me, trying his hardest best to make ends meet.
I did asked him something last nite which triggers the serious conversation. I didn't mean to hurt him at all. I didn't. That's what I see. That's what others see. He defended himself with constructive points which makes me look bad at the end. I can't imagine how hard it is to be him. But he still survives. Giving up doesn't exist in his life vocabulary. That's the best quality I have found in him. He's a fighter and he still fights for his rights every single day.
To start back what he have left behind is not that damn easy. It's like woken up from a long coma, trying hard to remember back what had happened and try to continue back where you have left behind. Tell me people, are you willing to fill in his shoes? He has lost a portion of his life. Alhamdulillah, he's gaining to get his strength back and I will support him. I will.
The conversation ends up emotionally, tears start to stream down my face. It was hard. Hard for me to swallow that it happened to the one that I love. It's hard to see him falling. Damn hard :(... At the end of the day, it's up to me to give a little ray of sunshine to end his rainy stormy days. I'll work hard for that :). He deserves to be happy and do what matters to him...
I woke up at 8.30a.m, that's a major lateness to work. Hmm.. so much for my new years resolution ahaks... Today, I'm still in a drowsy state. Woke up with a bad case of diarhea, left me so exausted somehow. So if you see me today with a little frown in my face, it's me basically try my hardest best to stay awake as long as possible.
It's officially 1.10pm right now. I'm signing off. Have a bright shiny day !
The One Where I Put My 1st 2007 entry
01.07.07 (5:57 am) [edit]heyyyyyy....
Can I just say that I'm back from my almost 1 year vacation? It's been too damn long.. yeah I know.. I've been neglecting my duties to my blog. I've miss my junkie terribly. I've been extremely busy adjusting my my life and my work. Alhamdulillah, I'm doing fine.
There's a lot of things to re-capped. 2006 serves as a memorable year to me. I've experienced a lot of things and I wanna list my TOP TEN unforgettable moment ever. Here they are in order:
10. Being independent:
Never miss to pay my car, insurance, road tax, brothers' allowance, handphone bills, MARA bills and etc..
9. Death in The Family:
May Allah bless their soul. Al-Fatihah.
8. A Long Journey:
Having to drive my car to Melaka twice, it's a personal achievement.
7. Having my 1st Bonus:
It's not much, well I spend it all. Talking about spending frenzy.
6. Too much Politics in the Office:
hmm... how should I start this over-rated sensitive issues. Had a cat fight with one of my collegue cause she had started a rumour on this. The office is filled with too much politics; you have to start to kiss ass to get promoted, it's not healthy at all. I don't want to be sucked in this culture.
5.Doing The Belly Dance:
I was force to join in the arabian belly dance (for the sake of my group) and we have won second place. Thank God for that. Since then I was suddenly became 'Madame Sahara' for all the wrong reasons :(... It was the 1st and the last dancing event that I'll ever participate in. I have to endure constance backpain (daily practise!!) after that...
4. My aunt is a HYPOCRITE:
My mother's youngest sister is a weirdo. She hates me for know valid reasons. One day, I felt really hot and I tend to sleep in her room (which had aircond obviously), she was sleeping so I just crawled on the other bed beside her and sleep. All of the sudden, she began to shout at me saying that I snored so loud that she couldn't even sleep. Tell me people, how do you control your own snoring noise? so I just play dumb and cover my face with the pillow with the intention to reduce the noise. She wakes me up every damn 10 minutes, shouting and blasting cruel words. I change my sleeping position. I couldn't take it anymore when she shaked my pillow non-stop while I was really really sleeping. She was really mean. I went back to my room. I never thought that she could disturbed my sleep like that. Hell, she was blaming on my snoring but hell she was making the most noise. Wankring her sore throat and runny nose. Blowing her guts out on the tissue. Imagine those noises and she blames me that she couldn't sleep because of me??... hypocrite. We haven't spoken since.
3. On and off relationship with my grandma:
She's a wonderful person when she's not that grumpy.
2. Sayang's Fell:
My sayang fell down because of exhaustion and dehydration and had to be hospitalised. He was scared, I was scared, he's whole family is scared too. Alhamdulillah, he's regaining his strength and will be back with "A New Hope".
1. Being Late for almost 4 months to the office:
Ironically the distance of my house and my office is about 10 minutes. Hiihiihih... I'm so getting into trouble over this. My new years' resolution would be, getting to office on time. Period.
May the year 2007, brings me prosperity in health and wealth. I'm so blessed I still have my good and closed friends around :)
Adios people!
The One Where I'm Officially 26
03.08.06 (10:17 pm) [edit]Yeah..
I still live and breath for 26 years. I'm thankful for that. Thank you for all the wonderful wishes. It just make my day. I love you all. May Allah bless u with richness in love & health.
Amin.
p.s: To the LOVE of my life : "A cup of coffee, a couple of smokes and a little conversation. You and me five bucks". The best gift ever is YOU.
The One Where I Will Turn 26 in a Few Hours
03.07.06 (11:50 pm) [edit]It's been a wild ride so far.
Being 25 means I've live almost a quarter of my life. Did I achieve anything? Did I make my family proud? Did I make myself proud?
It's like been on a roller coaster ride. It started slow and shaky. Then it became steady till I reach the top of the escalation. Suddenly when I started to enjoy the view, I drop like mad and the speed increases. I try not to scream but I can't help it. I try to forget and close my eyes. I try to think about happy thoughts and pray for my safety. The speed and the gushing wind just threw me away from reality. I scream like I never did before. I was scared but I feel I need to loose it. I scream my hearts out. It was a relieve when fear turns into something undescribable. The rush can either be fun or destroyed me. My heart and blood just drew faster, I prayed that the ride will end soon as I could not take it anymore. At the final loop of the ride, the speed starts to decrease and it's going very slowly till it reach the pit-stop. After the ride ends, I feel glad. But I know part of me wants to feel the adrenalin rush again. Feel free, feel the rebel in me. But in the process, I did hurt a lot of people. A lot. It's not something that I'm proud off. I'm carrying this burden torch and I can't passed it to anyone. It's my responsibility to light up the dark path on the way to my destiny.
I choose this path because I believe this is my direction. I truly want this. I love the way I lead my life. It is not as sweet like most people think. It's NOT, believe me. I cried alone when nobody's looking. It's the hardest road I've ever taken.
I've learn that sacrifice is a big baggage to carry. I hate it when I had to lie just to be happy and just to be ME. I learn that things are not as wonderful as it can be. Things can change gradually if I want to. Yes, I want to.
I have only one wish for my birthday:
Be fair to MYSELF, I deserved all the happiness in this world. I just deserved a better me.
p.s:
1. "Ma, thank you for bringing me to this world 26 years ago"
2. "Pa, thank you for putting up with me"
3. "Alfian & Izhar, kakak can't put up any words how much both of you meant to me"
4. "Tok, wish we could set our differences aside. U meant a lot but I wish you could just understand me somehow"
5. "Cinta, my heart is always with you no matter what happens"
6. "My good friends and my confidante (u know who you are), thank you for just being here with me, completing my journey of life"
I love u.
&
Happy Birthday to me! May Allah bless me and my family with all the richness of love :)
The One Where I Died.......
02.10.06 (2:57 pm) [edit]My Heart Stopped Beating Yesterday :(. I died. Everything crumbles. May my heart rest in peace.
The One Where It's My First 2006 Entry
01.22.06 (1:21 am) [edit]"Hello World"
The whole phrase was introduced to me when I first step into my C++ programming class back in 1999 (whoa.. it's been one hell of a journey ahaks). So I'm gonna use it again as an introduction of my new block to the world. Kinda cheesy, hell I'm gonna use it anyway.
Well, I've been an on and off blogger for about 2 years right now and I usually write when I feel like doing so. Hey, don't blame me. I'm so tied-up with my working schedule and my brothers keep hogging the pc at home. No timelahhhh... So I think I do make an effort when I successfully update my blog.. hiihhihi
I'm actually so fed up with my tblog hosting cause it doesn't cater much to my needs. I'm trying my luck somewhere else but TODAY when I found out that tblog has done a major change to it's hosting, so I'm giving it a SECOND CHANCE. The updates looks very promising. Well it's worth the try right??
Excerpts taken from my test blog from another host: (added here with permission :))
The date of starting my first blog is also important as I want it so be significant to me. I thought 1st January 2006 would be a good day but everyone will be thinking the same thing. Arghhh.... it's not gonna be sumthing special :(.
<3 <3 Today is CINTA's birthday <3 <3
I think it is the most perfect day to do so :)I declare that http://teddydeath.tblog.com will be fully operational from today, 29th December 2005 till God knows when.
Wow, I finally launched it. So call OFFICIALLY. I'm here. I'm writing and I'm loving it.
-Till U Hear It From Me-hugs & kisses
**Disclaimer: This blog contains the true stories about my life, my love and my daily nooks and crannies. So please do bare with me when you get up close and personal with my blog. I will tend to get clingy to my entries sumtimes but wut the heck right, the more involved I get the more juicier the story.. hihihiihih... Constructive comments are most welcome but cruel-hatred ones are a no-no. Well, you have been warned.
The One Where He Need To Sing
11.29.05 (4:46 pm) [edit]Sing to me Sayang.......
Here By Me
I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood
So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…
And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong
Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…
And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here
Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love
And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
The One Where I've Been Fudge-Up Alive
11.21.05 (1:01 pm) [edit]I don't really know how to begin. I don't really know how to end. I need to end this. Seriously. It's NOT a joke anymore.
All this while, I was being silent because I need to take care of his feelings. I put up with everything that he wants. His tantrums, his mood swings, his I-do-NOT-care-much-about- this-World attitude. I left my private life because I think he's more important than my own. I love him so much. Now I feel that my sacrifice was purely a waste.
I've turned myself in to a stubborn-dontgiveafuckwha tpeoplesay person and look what had happened to me? I failed miserably. I let my parents down with my so called attitude and I'm 25. What the hell that I'm doing? What did I put myself into? What?
Yes, being with him makes me free. Makes me constantly happy. But is this what I want for my future?
I'm tired with all the misery. I'm so fucking tired. Tired of being use alive. Why did I let this happened all over again? Didn't I see what's coming? I was too blind?
Last night, I witness it all. How hypocrite someone can be when they have to safeguard a personal "interest"? This bastard that I cared and loved all this while lied to me. How could he do such things? How could he just let it happened? How could he?
I just wish someone just knock his head, think clearly for once.
The substance just pulls him away from reality. His judgement was NO MORE present. He hides away from his shadows. I'm fading away this time. May that bitch hurts him like hell.
Cinta, thank you for screwing up my life. I thank God that He'd showed me what you really made off. I deserves better. Goodbye.
The One Where The Elders Are Pissed
10.25.05 (1:07 pm) [edit]It's been so awkward this morning. Waking up and feel so funny. Last night, yours truly arrived back home at 2.30am (ehemm.. for 2 consequtive nights). It was not intentionally.. honest. Me and Cinta was in Uptown scavenging for DVDs and we were craving for Hj Samuri's delicious satay's. And to add things worst, I'm crap at keeping my time.
We were occupied hopping from one DVD shop to another. Shit I look at my watch. It's almost 12.30pm and we haven't ordered our satay yet. The time seems to move so fast. At the time we've reach S.A was already 1.30am. Had a quick satay feast, hop in my car and I drove home.
I know by know I was in a deep shit trouble. My phone was ringing & vibrating vigorously . And I know it's coming sooner or later and I get what I deserved... a hard smacking lecture from daddy dearest.
You've created this mess, face it like a grown adult Teddy!
He stomp into my room. His voice was in the highest volume ever. He was in an angry mode. His face was full of frustation. Guess, I got what I deserved. I stood there, frozen in time at the edge of my bed. It's been long that I haven't been scolded like a school girl.
" Why are you doing this to us? We were worried about you. You go out and came back home whenever you like?"
"It wasn't like that dad. I'm sorry."
He continues his lecture. About what is right and what is wrong. And everything points out to all the wrong doings that I've comitted.
I feel so confused, I didn't feel any feelings of guilty wutsoever because to me I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was out, get some grub and hang out. I was not wildly loose out there partying, drinking or looking for someone to fuck around. I know where I stand.
Maybe living in a conservative typical malay family contributes to lots of things. Such as if a girl goes home late, she will be labeled as a bitch. Girls should NOT do this and this and this.....
I had my reasons why I was late. I need my space. I need someone to talk to. I need to have intelectual conversations. I need to be independent. To be away from my daily routine just for a few hours. The thing is I believe in what I do. I'm just so sorry we don't think alike anymore dad.
"This is my LAST WARNING to you. If you ever come home late again, I'll burn your car. This is not a joke. Just try me. Understand!"
The last harsh word he spoke before he slams my door shut. The loud bang makes me cry. I was not able to think. I'm in a condition of being a "anak derhaka" which eventually parks my name in hell. I don't really know how to act or react right now.
Congratulations! I have hurt the hand that feeds me. It is not something that I'm proud off. (Parental Advisory: Just don't follow my examples alright!)
How on earth I would appologise to them? How on earth I could clear this all out? How would I obtained their forgiveness? My dad yes but my mom has a heart of stone. Not that easy. I'm just in a state of regretting that I hurt them.
I didn't get my sahur this morning and I don't feel like going down and face them early. Just not the time. I want to be alone.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Sorry that you have to face this at this beautiful month of Ramadhan. I swear I never meant to hurt both of you. Please, trust me. Sorry again from the bottom of my aching heart and tormented soul.
Daughter
_________________________ _________________________ _____________
**Some fictional characters name are change to protect the real individual identity. Thank you!
The One Where There Is an Issue
10.24.05 (1:44 pm) [edit]Helloooooooo...
So sorry... Been away for so long. I miss writing and blogging in my blog. I really miss my junkie, the place where I let it all out without having to worry about anything. No judgement from others. Just me and my world. The best place ever to be alone.
I've been driving for about 1 month right now and I'm loving every minute of it. I still can't believe that, seriously.. the thought of me driving alone never crossed my mind at this time of the year. Another tick for this year's resolution, the one that I've achieved and very proud so far.
Been with CINTA almost every week; without fail. Being so close to a person, it's a wonderful feeling. Just a simple talk, listening to music, eat and have a ride in the car, these simple things do make up a very good memories.
I've known CINTA since I was 18 and fell head over heels for him instantly. He's the epitome, the perfect one. Seven years had passed, my love for him still burns deeply. Get to know his character and understand him. CINTA is a good person and also a good friend to everyone and anyone. He's the kind of person who is so compassionate and forgivable. The kind of person who can't say NO to a lot of things, and eventually get hurt by it.
Unresponsible bitches never quit to leave him alone. It is just so sad that he never sees it coming. In his heart, there were his friends. He has a soft heart that blinded his judgement. He's so fragile. Told him that I don't really like him to hang out with them.
He told me something that I can't forget,
"I think I have the RIGHTS to be friends with anyone I like because I'm not attached with anyone yet. I think that eventhough if I'm married to someone one day, I STILL have the RIGHTS to do so".
REPLIED: "Just be careful".
I know he's keeping his friendship with one of the bitches under wraps. This bitch was being his friend for so long. And this bitch ultimately pretends to be his friend and slowly destroys his life. I CAN SEE THE PATTERN OF DISASTER right now; he doesn't.
"Make peace, not war"
Right now I can't do much, I don't want to be the one that stops his freedom of making friends. I will respect any decision that he make.
Dear Sayang,
The 15 minutes gap last nite. I saw that bitch with S coming down from the shop. That "bitch" was the "friend" that you described. That bitch hurt you sayang. That bitch is kicking you down. That bitch is suffocating you. And you still have the heart to forgive and give herbitch chances that shebitch could absolutely not deserved.
How my heart crumbles into pieces yesterday. That's why I stayed in the car. Trying to figure out what had happened. You said you hated that bitch. What business does that bitch have in the shop anyway? I wanted to ask but I don't want to spoil our moment together. Naturally, I wanted you to tell me. Guess it doesn't happened. But you just keep your mouth shut. It seems nothing had happened. Does this mean that you just gonna keep quiet every time that bitch was at the shop?
I trust you sayang. Just be careful. That bitch means no good. I could not point that out, I'm tired of making a point to you because you don't even listen. Just don't do anything that you will regret later. I have no authority over you. I'm just protective to the ones that I really cared. We have studied the patterns, it's dangerous.
I'm sad. Sad that you don't SEE IT. My heart was sobbing; my eyes and my mouth just pretend everything was alright. Last nite, I almost feel like I need to leave. But I've come this far, 7 years to be exact, being so loyal and dateless for that duration just to dedicate my life to you. Of course you aren't aware of it. It's not your priority. I don't even know where I'm at right now. Your heart sets out to the shop; your dream. That's your goal. Keep me aside and I'll be drifting away. This time I'm lucky that the tide are pushing me back to the shores, next time it will pull me out even further in the ocean. I might be saved or even drowned. I'm so sure I'll be drowned cause I can't live apart from you. That time I won't come back.
I never gave up on you. I trust what you do. There were times my heart ache and I have to mend it by myself. I do this because I love you. If this the test that I have to endure then I will. Someday I'll know why.. you will know too.
Careful & take care
My eyes are all watery. Foolishly trap in my own uncertain emotions. I hurt a few beloved ones. I even hurt myself. May I understand my sacrifices. May I overcome my barriers. May this Hari Raya brings me happiness. May Allah bless my family who effortlessly put up with my antics. May I be the person I want to be. Insyaallah. Amin.
The One Where The Tea Lady Was My Enemy
09.23.05 (3:29 pm) [edit]Hellooo.. it's been one lousy week and I'm so glad it's Friday!
Lots of work and lots of meeting to attend and some people just don't appreciate others. That's the normal thing in the office nowadays. Let me entertained you guys with an incident that occur to me a few weeks ago, courtesy of the tea-lady.
There's a tea-lady in my office. She's in her early 40's. She serves coffee and tea to all the departments. She would push her trolley and make her usual rounds, twice a day. Approximately at 10.30am and 3.30pm. That's her routine everyday. She never smiles, infact I've never seen her smiles at anyone. She always puts on this gloomy face. I don't really know what's her problem. At first, I thought maybe she's lonely. I mean serving tea/coffee to 140 people and have to take the elevator concurrently (twice a day!) pushing the heavy trolley to every department, it's a boring job. Everytime she came into my department, I try to appreciate her effort by smiling and greet her. Refill my mug with hot tea and say thank you. Her tea was always extra sweet but hey I can always pour hot water to make it suitable for my likings. No problem at all. That's my usual routine almost everyday since I started work in May.
Then the dreadful day came.
My mug slipped from my hand when I washing it. It breaks into pieces and I have to throw it away. So I was mugless. And I forgot to bring another one from home. She was making her usual rounds in the evening, and at that particular time I was thirsty. So I went to her trolley, there's a compartment there where she kept extra plastic cups. So I pull the compartment drawer pull the cup out and then... I feel someone grab my hand, hard..
T-Lady: Apa awak buat? (What are you doing?)
Teddy: Saya lupa nak bawak cawan. (I forgot to bring my mug)
She pull the cup away from my hand, put it back in the drawer and close it. At this time I feel awkward and very weird.
T-Lady: Gelas nih untuk budak sales. Jangan ambil. Nanti tak cukup cawan. Guna gelas department sendiri. (These cups are for the sales rep. Don't take it. It's not enough. Use your department's mug)
Teddy: Sori Kak.(I'm sorry)
I was so thirsty. So I took Kak Zura's mug (she's on maternity leave). The handle was broken, but it's still good. So I fill the mug with tea to quench my thirst.
Then I saw a guy in my department, open the drawer and took the plastic cup, fill it with coffee in front of my eyes. In my astonishment, she just stood there.. DOING NOTHING. He was NOT a sales rep.
WHAT THE FUCK??
I feel like someone just slapped me in my face. The tea just taste awful for my likings now. I don't feel like drinking right now. How could a person do that?? I was being nice to her all this time and this is what I get in returned?? I just don't understand. Fuck I don't.
These kind of attitude makes me sick. I told my collegue about it and they say that she has an attitude problem, it happened to them before. Huhh?? It's been going on for years and nobody complaint?
If I was born and raised to be a cruel person, I would just report straight to HR. But my mom and dad raised me to be a responsible and considerate person. I think about her feelings and family first. She doesn't earn a lot and I don't want to be the one who pulls her bread and butter away. It's not fair to me as I was being treated like shit but this time I will spare her.
Since that day, I don't take any drinks from her trolley anymore. I think it's better for me to spend RM1.30 for a drink rather then being treated like a beggar. I can't tolerate with this kind of ugly behaviour.
So long and goodbye tea lady. You won't get far with that attitude.
Thank you.
The One Where We Are On Top of The World
09.12.05 (1:00 pm) [edit]It's been one heck of a weekend. The weekend where I was looking forward to a nice sleep and relax. Well, it didn't work out the way I've plan. (It's always like that one-lah!)
My brother celebrated his 19th birthday on Saturday. Happy birthday to you, may Allah bless you.
Been in an awkward situation thru the weekends. Sumthing unexpected, sumthing fresh and sumthing challenging.
Been with CINTA the whole weekend. This time it was rare-relatively different. We were all out following our heart. This is our choice.
Let me enlightened you with our adventure part by part. It's our roller coaster video-clip of life.
------------------------- ------------------------- ------
PART1:
The journey of this story started out sour as I was scolded for being so selfish. Yes, I admit I was being one. I want him all to myself.
"I think I have all the rights to be friends with anyone. I'm not attached yet. I'm not ready for comittment. My total focus is my career."
He needs a plan. Unfortunately, he had no choice but just to follow what I had to offer. There he was reluctantly can't decide because I've make the wrong choices. All I want for him is to be safe, but he's unhappy with my decisions. It was probably the biggest mistake I've make. Holding his freedom. I'm sorry. It's my fault. Damn, it's my fault. I didn't sleep at all that night. Very confused and very much worried. My mind was tired. I forced myself to sleep for approximately 1 hour. Everything was mighty blurry. Had shower, had to move fast before anyone wakes up. ------------------------- ------------------------- ------
PART 2:
" dibalik segala duka tersimpan hikmah,yg bisa kita petik pelajaran
dibalik segala suka tersimpan hikmah, yg kan mungkin bisa jadi cobaan"------------------ ------------------------- --------
PART 3:
"Sayang, we have to go". Driving with a good purpose. To get away from it all. Cash is running out fast. Hold on to trusty Touch & Go. We started our aimless journey. It's a BIG step. ------------------------- ------------------------- -------
PART 4
It was crazy and very much an unthinkable act. The long winding road. The cold breeze. The journey. It all make sense. After leaving what we had encounter earlier, we were happy heading to a new profound glory. The mood was different. It feels like taking a break from life for a while. Just being free and be with the one we love.------------------------- -----------
PART 5
Last night we was feeling like we were on top of the world. Just the two of us strolling around hand in hand in a strange new place. The loud sounds of machines does not bother us one bit. Nobody cares about anybody. The cool breeze + perfect atmosphere. We were definitely free. Our mind and soul are free, surrounds by the freshest air ever. The moment was ours. "If we have a time machine, we'll go back to this moment". It's our 9-11 moment. ------------------- ------------------------- -----
PART 6:
Something came up, we have to leave this beautiful place. It's a sad thing to do. We are so trapped in a paranoia universe. Phones were bombarded with calls and messages. It's an uneasy feeling. Very2 uneasy. It's complicated. Please don't ruin this. It's been a while I haven't been this happy. "Don't say it's OK when it's not". "Then, what am I supposed to say?" . "Relax, eat and we will think about it". "Sometimes, to be with the one that you love you have to make difficult choices. You have to make sacrifice". Loose some win some situation. We have to leave, but we are still together. nothing beats that at all. ------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- -
PART 7:
As we leave, he holds my hand and sings this to me.
MATAHARI..MENYINARI SEISI BUMI …
SEPERTI ENGKAU...
MENYINARI… ROH DIDALAM JASADKU INI…
SELAMANYA… SEPERTI HUJAN ….
KAU BASAHI JIWA YANG KERING
REFF : HIDUP INI INDAH….BILA KU SELALU….
ADA DISISIMU SETIAP WAKTU….
HINGGA AKU HEMBUSKAN NAFAS..
YANG TERAKHIR…DAN KITA PUN BERTEMU
KAU… BAGAI UDARA YANG KUHIRUP
DISETIAP MASA.. ENGKAULAH DARAH
YANG MENGALIR DALAM NADIKU....REFF
MAAFKANLAH SLALU… SALAHKU
KARNA KAU MEMANG PEMAAF
DAN AKU HANYA … MANUSIA... REFF
.. HANYA KAU DAN AKU..DALAM AWAL DAN AKHIR..
p.s: beautiful, meaningful, fresh from the heart. thank you sayang.------------------------- ---------------------
PART 8:
The saddest part was leaving. It tears up everything up. We have to be strong. First time, I've ever drive that far, ALONE. He gave me strength to do the impossible. Amazing.------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------
PART 9:
Alhamdulillah. I arrived home in one peace. Driving alone at night was a scary experience. But I overcome it. I'm proud of myself.------------------------- -------
PART 10:
To Whom It May Concern,
I'm so sorry I make both of u worried yesterday. I'm sorry. I was late. Please trust me. I didn't do anything wrong. It's my choice and I'm taking full responsiblity of it. I have to face this as an adult. I never had the intention to hurt anybody. I'm straightening out my life. Trust me and support me please.------------------------- ------------------------- ---------
THE END
The One Where Everything Began To Calm
09.09.05 (6:48 pm) [edit]"NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE. LOVE IS SO INCREDIBLY POWERFUL."
A beautiful friend send me this phrase a while ago. It reflects everything that I believe in. It makes my eyes all teary, (I'm such on an emotional roller coaster nowadays).. too fragile to think. It's the best phrase I ever got this week. It meant a lot.
It breaks my heart to see my love in an unexplainable condition. Bad things are happening almost everyday, like falling into some kind of curse. He looks so thin and frail, dark circles starts to form around his little eyes, flaky lips and piraty teeth. He reminds me more of a teeny version of Jack Sparrow. I could feel the bumps on his spine and it's poking thru his skin, that's not healthy. I've never seen him in this kind of condition before. He looks lifeless and weak. I try not to cry in front of him, I don't want to add up his sorrow. I want him to be happy when he sees me. Nuthing else. He needs my support and he has my dedication. He's gone thru a lot and he's still standing and bravely lift his spirit up to keep his dreams alive. What ever condition or form he is in, I DON'T CARE, he will still be the man that I love all this years. Enough said.
Been so tied up with work, participating in exhibitions and such. My mind is more focus on work and thankfully I love what I do. This is a very tired week and I'm looking forward to relax and sleep this weekend.
Hmm.. my aunt will board the plane and travel to Eastern Europe tonight. May she have a save journey.
My Willy Wonka sends me a nice testi today.. thank you so much :)
Have a nice weekend and happy Friday!
p.s: I sayang you.
The One Where I'm No Where
09.05.05 (10:05 am) [edit]Heyaa.. it's Monday morning and I'm feeling like I'm the MOST fragile person ever.
I could NOT afford to think about negative thoughts right now 'cause I will break down easily. I could NOT afford to be UNHAPPY 'cause it will tear my heart apart. I could NOT afford to be misunderstood 'cause I know I will only hurt myself.
Imagine waking up everyday and feel very weak. I need to be fed by happy thoughts all the way. I need to focus on something to keep my mind away. Keep in mind that I don't use any kind of substance to keep myself occupied, I'm fighting with my emotions that's slowly beginning to control myself. I'm happy that I have this stable job that keep me busy. And that's good as I'm very dedicated in whatever things that I do. And I'm very, very much thankful about that.
Gladly, I can detect my weakness early and I can find my cure. I'm aware on what I'm doing and alhamdulillah I'm still here, writing eagerly on my blog.
Thank you for another day, thank you sunshine. :)
The One Where Jeolousy Is Eating Me Alive
09.01.05 (1:22 pm) [edit]It's been one hell of a hectic week for me. I've just started work today after a really long devastated+happy+unpredic table holiday. It was a whole bunch of happyMESS.
I was sick on the 24/8, so I got two days off from the clinic. I never felt so weak. I was supposed to be with Shima (my close friend) in Ipoh.. means that I've plan to stay in Ipoh until Independence day. But tragically, I have to cancel the plan due to my sickness. I'm so sorry dear Shima, I'll make up to you.. it's been long.. Insyaallah I'll see you soon.
My cousin, Kak Nasha got married to a wonderful guy last Friday, so my whole family had a packed agenda till the weekend. We were busy with all the preparations for the wedding. And alhamdulillah everything went smoothly and it's been long that I've not experienced the powerfulness of being united in a family.. being together and deliver.. sharing the laughs and fun memories. The wedding is such a joy.. a true break that I need.
The best family moment ever.... it's a treasure.
-----------------------
Although I enjoy the wedding, but my mind was somewhere else.. it was thinking about CINTA non-stop. I love this guy so much. I truely do. Since we break the silence code, we've become so much closer.. we consoled each other on everything. We have to make everything clear between us. It's scary.. but this is the road I'm taking and I will not stop.
I have to admit that I have a problem with my jeolousy. The dreaded "J" word. It's killing me.. It's eating me alive.. I have input all the negative thoughts inside of me, and truthfully I can't breath anymore. I love CINTA too much and I became so paranoid when he talks to other girls. Shit.. That's bad.. pretty bad. I can't control my emotions.. It's slowly taking myself away.. leave me with this dreaded person with a cruel feelings inside her.. I DON'T WANT TO BE HER... I want to be my old sweet self.. Where I care about a person without prejudice and being reasonable enough to diffrenciate all the negative thoughts that clouded my mind.. I use to be so strong emotionally.. I use to be so strong.. What happened to me?
I was afraid to loose this person that I love so much... that's the root of this paranoia that I'm having.
Fortunately I have me closes friend and confidante, Nazri.. I need someone to put my senses back in me. I've nearly lost it. He knows me and he knows how to kick back some senses in my head. I'm so thankful. I had a friend to talk to. I opened up to my cousin Lyn. I need to have a girl opinion on this and she's been great too. Alhamdulillah. These people are the reason that I have shine of hopes..gain my strength and make me stand up in what I believe in when 'others' just trying to step and plunge me down. These are true friends. & nbsp;
I have top learn everything the hard way and swallow the hard truth. Yes, I'm struggling hard to be more independent and clear out my thoughts. I need to or I will loose my own battle. He needs me right now. He needs me. I'm holding on..
"I trust you sayang. I'm sorry that I snap that day. I could not handle it. I can't accept it. You understand me better. I'm so relieved. You know how uncomfortable I am being around those situations. Despite everything, you are still there with me, support me. You listen to me. Importantly you trust me. I'm sorry that I've make you worried. You clear everything up that day. You told me those things that I've longing to hear all this time. I will hold on to that. You told me, how badly you want this too. I never felt so meaningful and important. This time is REAL. It's a personal achievement if we WIN this war. We will WIN if we put our mind to it. I understand what's going on, I have to prepare myself. Those 'freaky-bad-people' can hurt hurt us with words and rumours but we know our hearts are stronger than that. Only the guilty runs, we will remember that kan? Kita ikhlas dengan perjuangan kita, kita cuba tolong "orang" kita, "orang" kita buat fitnah, jahat betul.. kawan sendiri tikam belakang kita.. sampai kita kena ketepikan periuk nasi kita sendiri. Sedih sangat... kawan sendiri... astarfirgrullahalazim.. baik kita mengucap.. Setiap benda yang berlaku mesti ada hikmahnya.. We are not that stupid, we are NOT like them. We will fight this. We are on the right side. We will find our strength. We will put our hearts and mind thru it. We will WIN sayang. Ya Allah, show us the way."
May the force be with us!
p.s: For those who read this, firstly I would say thank you. Thank you for taking your time and indulge yourself with my writings. You would have probably spend about 15 to 20 minutes to read this entry. Thank you for your time. This is personal for me. This is my blog and I will do whatever I want with it. I will write and say WHAT I WANT. This time I will NOT tolerate with nasty-freaking comments from anonymous people. Just don't waste your time. Have a nice day ahead!
The One Where I Want To Appologise
08.20.05 (3:08 am) [edit]First and foremost, I would like to appologise to CINTA for being so judgemental about him in my entire blog. I'm so sorry.
This blog expresses what I feel "immediately" mostly. I need to dish out everything from my system because I could not handle being so hypocrite. I write on an emotional basis, that's why it turns out straighforward and ugly. I describe you so unprofessionally and I created this figure which everyone would hate because I was misunderstood on the whole situation. I was alone and all this assumptions build in my head. Bad things mostly. I admit I was wrong. This is an open appology to you. I'm so sorry. I've never been so GUILTY. Strong words can just kill everything.
Me and CINTA has a history of having a communication breakdown. I was the one who always keeps things inside and then bottled all up in my head. I confess to that. We've talked a lot yesterday. It was a good thing. A VERY good thing indeed. I've learned so much. It was an honest all day session.
He feels exactly the way that I feel. He worries about me most of the time. Worried that I would change my heart and worried that I would leave him. I never thought he would think that way.. I thought I was the one with the insecurities. He cares :)
If we didn't talk, I wouldn't know that wouldn't I?
A very good friend once told me that communication is the key to all relationship and it's all true. I always crack up my head with all kinds of imaginations and assumptions that he will leave me. It's dangerous, when you think alone the devils are always seducing you to think both propotion of the story, my negative side always takes charge and nearly win. My positive side struggles to think all the happy thoughts and thankfully I still believe that patience and virtue are very very important. And LOYALTY is an added bonus. (I found out he is loyal to me too.. that makes me extra happy)
We've open up everything and never again would keep our mouth shut from each other.
My head was so free and I do feel that half of the burden inside cramming my head was totally gone. It was magical. The power of sharing the information verbally. The expression and the tone compliments the words uttered from inside. It was beautiful.
I never felt so love like yesterday. First time in my life, I felt I was important to him. First time, I've heard about our future together. I did cried yesterday.. this time it's HAPPY tears.
Allah has given me everything and I kick myself hard if I'm not thankful for what I've got. There's a lot of challenge that I have to face. Alhamdulillah, my faith and believes are still strong. Face everything like starting a new day.
My life, my love: priceless
p.s: I love you more and more each day...
The One Where I'm Defining Myself
08.14.05 (9:49 pm) [edit]PUPUS - by Dewa
Aku tak mengerti, apa yang kurasa
rindu yang tak pernah begitu hebatnya
aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tau
meski kau takkan pernah tau
aku persembahkan hidupku untukmu
telah ku relakan, hatiku padamu
namun kau masih bisu, diam seribu bahasa
dan hati kecilku bicara
Reff :
baru kusadari cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan
kau buat remuk sluruh hatiku
semoga waktu akan mengilhami sisi hatimu yang beku
semoga akan datang keajaiban hingga akhirnya kaupun mau
aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tau
meski kau takkan pernah tau
----------
Been listening to this song and I might say it does effects me in every way. Hell! I know what I'm doing so just let me handle my life okies.
Enough of the sad part let's get into the good ones.
My youngest brother turnd 11 last Friday and we celebrated his birthday in Chili's. It was nice, the whole family was there.. I miss these kinds of moments really.. I'm glad we do celebrate birthdays. My brother was extremely happy, well the folks in Chili's sang him the birthday song. It was cool.
I wish him well, "Happy Birthday Izhar".
One of my guy "friend" got married today. He's married to the most sweetest-richest girl in town.. they've met like 2 weeks and fell in love.. hmmm.. it was unlikely like him to get married that fast.. he has no stable job and he's workshop has closed due to unforseen circumstances... he's a sweet talker and believe me he has the charm of a gentlement.. luckily my friends and I knew who he was and be extra careful when he's around. I will always remember him as the guy who mocked me and Alang about getting old and end up as a spinster. He has hurt our feelings and that is unforgiven. hmmmm, I wish his wife goodluck!... nuthing else... life goes on...
I get a chance to replace two of my fasting days this weekend, have 5 more days to go.. ahaks.. have to stay home and sleep.. hihihihi
My pretty cousin, Kak Nasha's wedding is coming up in the next two weeks and I'll be the one who will give out the "bunga telur" to all the guest.. hihiih... it's a kid's job but someone got to do it.. eventually it's gonna be me.
hmm.. see how that goes..
alrighty.. take care people...
The One Where I Earn This Space to Write
08.07.05 (11:50 pm) [edit]It's been a while.. I'm so busy with work and soon will be drowned in many more work. It's ok, I love working here and all the task is a challenge. That's what I've learned in the 3 days two night seminar in PD. It was great, at least I was away from KL for a while. There's a lot in my mind, a lot of things to think about..
I'm totally lost! That's what my outcome was. I've lost my sense of direction in life and I'm not so proud of it. The one thing that kept me going, keep my feet on the ground was my job. My total stability.
I've learned that my sense of ignorance will overcome me soon. I hate this to happen but I can't help it. At this stage, I will not care about anybody or anything anymore. That hurts..
Maybe being nice was NOT being appreciated anymore ehhh?
Being nice makes me in a mess.. Being nice makes people takes advantage of me.. Being nice just not gonna be my forte anymore.
To my family & friends, you know who you are.. you'll always have a space in my heart. The other half of my heart starts to blackened. It scares the shit out of me. My emotions are out of control. My head hurts.
It's just not fair...
Why do I have to face all this?
Scared, lost.. this girl was still beaming
Beaming, smiling to face the world and outside reality
Faith is fading, trust just another word
Believe too much
Being loyal disregard on what had happened
Love rip and torn
Being trade into the dark lairs
Distort my mind
Try to survive, trying to be the best
She has herself, to find that flicker of shine
Save her "Ya Allah"
Show her the way, show her what's hiding, what is stopping
Soul solemly dispossable
She lives.
So long and goodnight, I love you.
The One Where I Think I'm On my Own
07.30.05 (12:10 am) [edit]I was the one who waits as he needs the time away, I was the one who's loyalty was not appreciated, I was the one who's being so honest. I was the one who love to much. I was the one who feels dumb at the end..
I'm still waiting, my patience is really high. Thank god for that.
I'm thinking hard now, I had to let go the things that I love slowly.
The One Where I Have To Face A F**king Sales Rep
07.22.05 (12:40 am) [edit]Had a very very bad day today... I was being shouted and humiliated by a so-called-collegue and he was a sales rep in my company.
I was in the IT Department at about 10.30 am this morning and I had a discussion with a really nice guy from Singapore. He was explaining to me about some stuffs on the new implemented server that I have to work on because I was the Product Owner of the Internet Website of my company.. (woohooo.. I'm a Product Owner now...)
After the discussion, I went over to the System Analyst workstation (as I usually do nowadays) to discuss with him the current state of our company's website and try to enhanced a few stuff. As we were in a discussion, one fucking Sales Rep came to me and the story of hell starts here:
Fucking Sales Rep: Hey.. Can you give me the rates of the advertising banner for the main page?.. I have to an appointment with a client at 3pm and they are interested in buying our ads...
(Fucking Sales Rep was pointing at his watch)
Teddy:Ohh about the rates right?.. I haven't got any approvals from the management yet so the rates is NOT officially out and I can't give you the rates by today.
(Fucking Sales Rep starts to look at me impatiently)
Fucking Sales Rep: Come on lah... just give me the rates.. I have an appointment you know... I need to sell things mahhhh...
Teddy: I know... But I'm sorry I can't give you any information today as I have to revised all the rates because I'm still new and I'm NOT so sure. Maybe I could have a discussion first with you and Mr.J and Mr.S and we will work out together.
(He started to raise his voice at me and putting a stupid show with his gestures)
Fucking Sales Rep: Aiyahhh.. why you need me for.. I'm just a Sales Rep. I sell things NOT to sit down and discuss. It is NOT my job.
Teddy: As I said, I do not have the rates. Then you just have to wait.
Fucking Sales Rep: You marketing people ahhh... aiyahhh.. sooo problematic one you know... I got an appointment. I can sell those banners for RM 15 to RM20 K you know.. all I need is the rates.
Teddy: Sorry I can't help you until I have the approvals from the management.
Fucking Sales Rep: Aiyahh... you know ahhh.. If we were in a war ahhh.. People are fighting with guns and bomb.. and we ahh.. we only have sticks you know...
(he was demonstrating walking like a blind person with a cane now... pathetic......)
This time the System Analyst budge in
System Analyst: You know there's not many people in her department. They need our support and help.
Fucking Sales Rep: No people ahhh??.. She people what?? (this time he points at me)... Miss Z people what??.. aiyahhhh... problem... they can do what??
Teddy: Can't you understand what I'm trying to say?.. I can't give you anything today.
Fucking Sales Rep: You know ahh this all online.. that means it available lohhh for everyone to see and to sell. How can you change the website and can't think of the price??.. aiyahhhhh
(And at this time I was starting to raise my voice)
Teddy: We've just change the look and feel of the website last Monday. We are still in a process of updating all the contents and I'm preparing the proposal for the new rates for the management. Can't you understand what I've been trying to say to you from beginning??? I can't simply give you the numbers because I'm responsible for my products. I don't want to regret later. Sorry!.
Fucking Sales Rep: Aiyahhh.. you and your department ahhh.. troublesome only...
(He walks out from there)
At this moment I feel so down.. I have been verbally attack in other department. (can you feel the tense that I am feeling??)
Yes, I do feel humiliated. Humiliated because these kind of people exist and shitting on other innocent people. I'm so humiliated because I have to work with him and face his fucking face every damn day.
He was proudly shouting on how good he was in selling things.. and downgraded my department. He thinks that my department was useless.. ohh he's damn wrong.
Luckily for me, the System Analyst guy was by myside all the time and I do thank him for backing me up most of the time. (eventhough in the conversation I didn't put him much.. but he's there and he's backing me up). Everyone else was chicken out and just gave him the wry smile.
I'm so damn pissed off... I was NOT in a mood to stay there anymore. So I went back up to my department. I was so pissed off and I need time just break away for a while. Told some of my collegues about it and they say that maybe he was being pressured by his boss and yeah he's income comes from the sales that he make..
BUT
He was insulting my integrity and my work.
And I do think that he has NO DAMN RIGHT wutsoever to do so. He made a very HUGE mistake. Who asked him to make an appointment with the client? Who asked himI would NOT tolerate with this kind of people. If it happens again, I will go straight to HR to report his behaviour. They don't deserves any chances at all. They are the SCUM of the universe.
The head of IT came to see me later that evening and said to me that it was unethical thing that he did to me. She was pissed of too because she was not at the scene when the thing happened.
hmmm.... I was alright.. and my mind was clear up.. I have good support from my department.
The things that I've learnt today:
I have to learn and cope with this kind of unethicalities in the office cause I will never know, maybe there's a chance that I will meet another person who is more fucking terrible than him.
p.s: May he burn in HELL :P..
The One Where Mommy Drove Me To Work
07.13.05 (12:09 pm) [edit]My mommy drive me to work today and she asked me a few questions about my love life (hmmm.. do I even have one right now????)... Only God knows. The conversation was short and it goes like this..
Mommy: What happened to your boyfriend?.. Haven't heard anything from him for a while... Did he ditch you?... Why don't you get a NEW boyfriend?
Teddy: He's just way too busy with his new projects. (What I SHOULD have said: He's like Houdini.. expert in dissapearing act. He breaks my heart by doing that. I should find someone else right mommy? My little shine that will brighten my grey skies...)
Mommy: Ohhhh.. I thought he's gone.
Teddy: He's still here. (What I SHOULD have said: I love him too much mommy. All I wanna do is be with him no matter what happens. I have to be EXTRA strong.)
See.. how near my office is from my house... There's nuthing much to talk about. But it left me with a headache.
Have a nice Wednesday everybody!
The One Where I had an Interesting Tuesday
07.12.05 (4:20 pm) [edit]hiyee.. it's been quite a while. I'm just too busy with work and preparing for the Sales Seminar this August.
hmmm... it's 3.40pm and I've been hearing all kinds of pregnancies tips and stories since 3.00pm.. ahaks.. I'm NOT the one who is pregnant, NOT yet by the way, so no worries ehh.... :)
there's this cute pregnant lady in my department and she's very eager to be a mother... she's due late next month. If you look at her from the back, she looks like an un-pregnant person. She had this tiny-tiny cute tummy as she says that her baby is very small. She was sharing her anxiety of becoming a first time mother with another collegue and she's asking all the survival and necessary tips for her "pantang" days..
I was VERY near to them so I could not help but just hear everything that they discuss. It was interesting.. VERY INTERESTING.. it covers up everything from the techniques and the art of giving birth until the way to get in shape again...
It was informative I might say... an interesting Tuesday evening
Take care
The One Where I Receive My Shine
07.06.05 (5:14 pm) [edit]At precisely 2.02pm today, I receive my shine... I miss him
The One Where This Picture Depicts My Emotion
07.04.05 (3:54 pm) [edit]This picture is worth a thousand words...
It's where I am right now... drown in my own sorrow.. hide behind the mysterious clouds... very lost in the mist of shadows... pain, heartbroken, unsatisfied... disbelief, truth please come upon me... in a gleam of my eyes.. I feel EMPTY, LOST.. you take my sunshine away.. it crawls deep inside me.. I'm blinded by my sould.. I'm blinded by my heart.. It's dark.. it's dark... I'm breathless.. what I need... is a guided light.. to free me from this darkside... trapped, cold and insane... this moment breaks me even more.... my heart beats for one li'l shine...
The One Where I Was Accused
06.23.05 (10:35 am) [edit]Yesterday was a bad day for me... It was heartbreaking, heartwrenching.. you just name it.. felt it yesterday..
My mom called me, conferrencing with my aunt. My aunt asked me where I put her rechargeble digital camera batteries.. she claims that I was the last person who'd borrowed her stuffs. My mom confirms it.. I was the last person who borrowed it.... Now I was confused... because I have a strong feeling that I'm NOT the last to do so...
As far that I could remember, I've borrowed her camera about 1 month back . My brother borrowed my camera 'cause he went on a vacation to Penang and I have to borrow my aunt's for an event in my previous office. And I did gave her the camera back (in a complete condition!)...
My aunt seems so mad.. I could feel it in her tones... she said that she check everywhere for the batteries. As far as I'm concern, I'm the kind of person that hates to borrow other people's stuff because I will feel uneasy and sometimes uncomfortable to do that. Yes, I will borrow ONLY if I had too. If I did borrow someone's stuff, I will guard it with extra care and attention because I would NOT want to loose their trust. I don't like to borrow money... I just don't like to practise that...
People trust you with their stuffs... they believe that you will take good care of it like they will.
Later, that day I called my mom saying that I believe that I'm NOT the last person to do so. She confirms that she remembers that I was the last person. My other aunt also says the same thing... now I'm confused. Three people confirms that I was the last person... well I thought maybe I was the last person... maybe.. just maybe I forgot.. (my head just don't believe it)
The whole day I felt awful... imagine if I was careless then and misplace the batteries?.... I keep telling myself that I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON. I may be forgetful sometimes but to forget about something that I borrowed.. NEVER!!!!!!!
I went back home with a gloomy day (oh yeah! to make the matter worse I had a terrible sore throat also...) I open my aunt's tv cabinet where she stores the digital camera. I checked the battery charger first.. well the batteries are not there... then I pick up the camera. Take it out from the casing, push the battery compartment button... and well how do you know.. the batteries are in the camera.... should I repeat that againnnnnnnnnn... THE FREAKING BATTERIES ARE IN THE FREAKING DIGITAL CAMERA.......
what the f**k?
I have to go through the whole freaking day feeling gloomy because of my aunt's mistake????.... I check the last entry on the camera memory... It was my dad's birthday celebration.... it's on the 29th May. My event was on the 14th May... how contrary....
Shesh.. told my mom about it... she was disbelief... now it's my turn to be mad.... how can three people accused me of the same offend???... I was right all along.. I believe that I didn't do it... I BELIEVE MYSELF...
some of you out there might say.. it is a small matter.... I make a such a BIG fuss with it...
hey... people trust me.. It's important that I hold their trust.. I'm very concern in dealing with things that I borrowed... my name was witheld... people accused me off the things that I don't do... and this time it's my own family... I'm sad.. just sad that no one believes me...
I didn't hear the word "sorry".. from neither of them..... egos does run in the family.
p.s: my dad would believe me...